Tuesday, March 30, 2010

When you gotta go...

I have found that I basically have two sets of people who read these stories. The first are my friends / family - the second are people I don't know and most likely will never meet. This affords me a certain amount of leniency with respect to writing topics. A subject can be broached with the knowledge that the first group will still love me even if they're grossed out and the second group, by definition, most likely will never meet me in person - and if you do, I'll at least know why you're smirking as I shake your hand.

At any rate.

There I was - it was late, a good book in hand, and a full bladder inside. I put off going until I was done with the chapter - the chapter that never seemed to end - I roll out of bed and realize that it's no longer a #1 - it's #2 and it should have been taken care of 30 minutes ago. That's cool - no problem - the bathroom is right down the hall. I slip on my shoes and walk down the hall - no sweat - "Hey, how's it going?" - "How are the wife and kids?" "Good, good" - round the corner and I'm there. This is my favorite bathroom (every guy has one) I have available for 3 reasons: it's close, has 6 stalls, and we clean it ourselves. Out of the six options, 3 are occupied. No problem - this is why I like this bathroom, I still have the other half at my disposal.

Option 1 - no toilet paper - whatever, that's cool
Option 2 - Ewww - what IS that still in there? Is that thing clogged?
Option 3 - Why is the seat wet???

In my moment of indecision, I do a little dance not unlike what I'm sure my 2 year old at home does to signify to everybody the necessity of the coming bodily function. Option 1 is out. Option 2 is obviously out -which leaves me with mystery fluid in option 3.I habitually wipe down the seat anyways, but with experience I know that there are usually 3 possibilities in fluid color coming off of the seat.

Clear - usually indicates there was a surge in the system with clean water in the bowl. These toilets are all tied to the same pressure line, so when one flushes, the others down the line turn into French bidets so you need to be prepared to stand up a little or take a shower after or both.

Yellowish / brownish - same scenario as clear, but there was 'something' in the bowl. I'll spare you the description with that one - you can figure it out.

Green - green is actually the best to see because that's the color of the cleaning solution we use to clean the bathroom - Simple Green -floor, ceiling, lights, toilet bowl - everything.

I wipe.It's green - awesome - looks like I chose the right one - clean and toilet paper - double score.
So I sit.
The seat's warm.
Which means somebody was just...
And the green isn't...
It's...Oh COME ON!
It's too late to change gears at this point - I'm committed.

Even though nobody flushed up the line from me, I did change my clothes and take a shower anyways - just for good measure.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

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